What happens when the strength that helped you survive becomes the pattern keeping you stuck?
Nobody tells you this. You can become so good at overcoming adversity that you begin depending on it.
For much of my life, overcoming adversity was something I was incredibly good at. No matter what happened, I found a way through it. I learned to be resourceful, determined, and resilient because, for a long time, those qualities were necessary. And like so many people who have experienced significant challenges, I began to identify with my ability to overcome them.
People would tell me how strong I was, how inspiring my journey had been, and how remarkable it was that I had accomplished so much despite everything I'd experienced. I appreciated those words, but eventually I began questioning something much deeper. What happens when overcoming adversity is no longer something you do, but becomes who you believe you are?
Who would I be if I didn't have something to overcome?
That question didn't come with an immediate answer. It required me to examine how I had been moving through life and what had been fueling my decisions. I began recognizing that I knew exactly how to respond when something went wrong. But what about the times when life wasn't demanding that kind of response from me? Could I experience peace without anticipating the next challenge? Could I move toward something simply because I wanted it, rather than because I needed to get away from something else?
The more I examined my life, the more curious I became about the relationship between our experiences and the patterns we unconsciously repeat. Our minds learn through experience, and what becomes familiar can influence how we interpret situations, respond to people, and make decisions. Sometimes those responses continue long after the circumstances that shaped them have changed.
This doesn't mean we create every difficult experience that happens to us. We certainly don't. But I do believe there is tremendous value in recognizing where we may be participating in patterns that no longer serve us. Not from a place of blame or shame, but from a place of curiosity and personal responsibility.
I began wondering whether I had become so accustomed to overcoming obstacles that I was unconsciously participating in creating some of the very challenges I then needed to overcome. That was an uncomfortable question, but it was also an empowering one. Because if I could recognize the patterns I had been repeating unconsciously, I could begin creating something different consciously.
In my keynote, Bringing the Dream Home, I use the analogy of a Hot Wheels car. Remember those little cars you pull backward before letting them go? The farther you pull them back, the more momentum they have when released. I realized that for much of my life, I had been operating in a similar way. The harder life pulled me backward, the more determined I became to propel myself forward. Adversity had become my fuel.
And while that fuel had carried me a long way, I no longer wanted to depend on it. I didn't want to be a Hot Wheels car anymore, fueled by overcoming adversity. I wanted to be a private jet, fueled by where I dreamed of going and the limitless possibilities ahead of me.
There is a meaningful difference between those two ways of living. When we are constantly trying to move away from what we've experienced, our attention remains connected to what we're trying to escape. But when we begin moving toward what we genuinely want to create, we give ourselves an opportunity to make decisions from possibility rather than from the need to overcome.
I think this is especially important for people who have spent much of their lives being the strong one. The person everyone depends on. The one who figures things out, handles the crisis, and keeps moving forward regardless of what's happening. Over time, that identity can become so familiar that we forget we're allowed to experience life differently.
You don't have to keep proving your worth through what you do, fix, achieve, or overcome. Your value doesn't increase with the amount of adversity you've endured, and you don't need another difficult experience to justify your strength.
Perhaps the next stage of your life isn't about becoming better at overcoming. Perhaps it's about becoming more comfortable with peace, joy, and the possibility of creating something wonderful without needing a struggle to propel you toward it.
So I invite you to consider the same question I had to ask myself. Are you moving toward your dreams, or are you still moving away from your struggles? And who might you become if you no longer needed something to overcome?
You can honor everything you've survived without allowing survival to define everything you create next.
About the author: Jeannine L. Rashidi is a two-time TEDx speaker, bestselling author, Doctor of Ayurveda, and founder of Goodbye Tension. She created Breaking the Belonging Bargain™ and the H.O.M.E.™ framework.
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